Parenting Vs Childrening

Three years being a parent has taught me a lot. I've learn that parenting is not just about teaching children. It's also about learning from them. Somehow the word ''parenting" enthrones us with authority. It makes us look big, and the children small. Are we really big emotionally too? I don't think so. Sometimes I think these little people have much more to offer to us. I learn from them too and it is an everlasting learning experience. I would like to coin the word "childrening" to acknowledge the wisdom they have triggered us. What are the childrening tips my children has imparted to me?

1) Be a Role Model

Have we? When we tell them, "Don't be rude!", are we really that courteous? How many times have you interrupted someone's conversation or horn at a car that is getting in your way? I often tell Phoebe not to interrupt when mommy is talking but yet I am guilty when I intrude into a friend's conversation. Phoebe has ever caught me red handed and she reminded me, "Mommy cannot interrupt." Oops, a slap on my face!

2) Respect the Little People

Anyone of you do not mind people snatching something out of your hand? You'll probably react by glaring at that person or even yelling 'HEY!'. But how many of you have ever snatched something out of your child's hand, in the name of safety or photography? And when the child refused to let go of that prized item in his/her hand, we slapped the label 'naughty' onto the poor child. Is it an act of fairness? Are we respecting them? Maybe instead of snatching the items out of their hands, we should offer them something else in exchange. In that way, we minimise the risk of having a screaming child.

3) Acknowledge Their Presence

Over the last weekend, my hubby and I quarrelled over some silly issue about punctuality. We raised our voices without regarding the children's feelings or presence. Phoebe sat on the backseat of the car. She told us, "Mommy, Papa don't fight. Di-di is very scare." Suddenly, it dawned upon me that Phoebe was actually refering to herself being scare instead of her little brother. Children of her age has a tendency to use a third party to reflect her own true emotions. We raise our voices like no tomorrow, totally ignoring their presence and totally disregard their feelings. They, too, have feelings. They will not disappear automatically when we're busy and we must recognise their presence.

4) Keep them in the know

Phoebe will ask me, "Mommy, where am I going? After ...., where am I going?" She loves to know where I am taking her to or what we're going to do next. As an adult, I will feel extremely uncomfortable if I cannot anticipate what would happen next. Children too! I'll always verbally give her the programme of the day so that she can prepare herself physically and mentally. This will very much help to speed up preparation time. So when Phoebe asks me this question, I'll stick out my fingers to count with her, "First, you shower, then you eat porridge, then play toys and then you drink milk, and then sleep and when you wake up, we'll go swimming!" In this way, she knows that if she doesn't sleep, she cannot proceed to the next activity, which is swimming! If she can follow the sequence of events, it will make both of us less frustrated. Children likes routine and we should try as much as possible to establish one and keep to it. Of course, there will be time when events happen spontaneously. Then it is our duty to keep them informed. They need to be in the know too!

5) Give them time

At the change of events or activities, as adults, we like to be given some time to accommodate that change. We call that transition time. Should our children be given transition time too? Or do we just pluck them out from whatever that they're doing and expect them to cooperate with whatever we're doing? Sometimes Phoebe will go over to her neighbour's place to play for a while. Before I fetch her home, I'll inform her that mommy will give her ten minutes more and she'll have to go home. It works better, even though she doesn't know what ten minutes mean. Previously, I would just barge in and carry her out of her play zone. She struggled, I struggled. By giving her some transition time, she'll have a clearer idea of her boundary.

6) They learn through experience

I find it rather contradicting sometimes. We want our children to learn, to explore and venture. Yet, many a times, we just cannot let them go. We're ever so ready to jump in to help, to support, to lead. We forget that it is through experience that children learn and most importantly, remember! Phoebe had always refused to be held on to when we go out shopping. She liked to wander on her own. I tried very much to restraint her or even lock her in her stroller, much to her protest. After a while, I just let her go, True enough, she got lost. Just within this school holiday, she got lost twice. She has learnt her lesson. Now whenever we go out, she'll be very obedient and hold our hands. She'll not move outside her boundary. This may be a risk-taking experience, but it is also a life experience which she will remember.

Now that Reuben is crawling, he is all over the house, including under the low coffee table. There were several occasions whereby he got stuck under the coffee table and couldn't crawl his way out. His head bumped onto the table and I would let him whine for a while before rescuing him from his plight. But after several attempts, he has learnt his lesson. He will duck his head whenever he crawls under the coffee table. And then he would crawl out cautiously without having to bump his head.

7) Have it their way (sometimes)

When we play with the children, sometimes we have an invisible agenda and we would expect the children to comply to our agenda. But when they prefer their own way, we sigh. Why should we grief over such trivial matter? If our mothers tell us that their choice of colours is better than ours. Are we that obedient to take on their suggestion ? Well, sometimes, yes but most of the time, no. We have a mind of our own and we want our way sometimes. The children too. If it's harmless, why not ? When we play with our children, sometimes we will insist that they partcipate in playing the items that we're interested in. But isn't it suppose to be them who is playing ? The toys are meant for them, not us! My hubby tried to show Phoebe flash cards but she was not in the mood for it. She wanted to play 'tea party'. My hubby didn't want to and kept on insisting that she read the cards but Phoebe resisted. I told my hubby to let her play what she wanted instead of forcing it down her throat. That way, play is more fun.

8) Listen to them

Phoebe has been eating porridge for lunch and dinner since she was 8 months old. We decided that she should change her diet when she is 3. We gave her one meal of porridge and one meal of rice/noodle. We are still trying to figure out how much rice or noodle is enough for her. So, we kept feeding her, spoons after spoons of rice/noodle. She told us that she was full but I thought that she was just being difficult, not wanting to finish her food. So I kept insisting. Poor girl. She has no way to run. Before she could finish her bowl of food, she transformed into a merlion. I should have listen to her in the first place right ? But I didn't. I learn through experience too.

9) Be consistent, avoid double standard

When Phoebe yells or shouts, I will usually warn her sternly against doing that. But when Reuben yells or shouts, I would ask him what had happened and is tolerant towards him. Then Phoebe asks me, "Mommy, why you never scold di-di ? Di-di so noisy, you scold di-di, you scold di-di." I would try to explain that di-di is still young, he doesn't understand. But am I trying to give excuse for my inconsistency and double-standardness? Actually, if I am to hush Reuben by saying SHHH... to him, he does understand and will keep quiet almost immediately. Such inconsistency on my part and Phoebe, being three, is able to pick it up so quickly. It puts me to shame sometimes.

10) Treasure them

Many of my friends, including myself, have tried for several years before we conceived our children. It took three years for Phoebe to swim ashore. We love both Phoebe and Reuben. They're different in character and habits. As much as we love to be with them and spend time with them, sometimes we also wish that we can have quiet time on our own. We send them to our parent's place so that we can go out on our own without being disturbed. When they're around, instead of playing with them, we surf the net, take naps, read newspaper, watch TV. We forgot that we had once so longed for them to be in our lives. Every month when my blood shed, my tears shed too. We consulted the western doctors and the chinese doctors. We asked God, we prayed hard. But why is it that when we have them, we lose patient with them? They're miniature of us. We should treasure them, fuss over them and mould them into better people than ourselves. Since God has entrusted these little people into our lives, we should treasure them. After all, they are our answered prayers.

So, after all these insights, does that make me a better mommy? No, it only makes me more reflective each day. I thank my children for childrening me as I try parenting them everyday. With them, my life is more tiring but definitely more enriching. (^_^)b